Common Sex Therapy Myths
There are a lot of myths, misconceptions, and mistaken assumptions I’ve heard about sex therapy. When people learn what I do for a living, their reactions are often of shock and awe – “that’s so cool!” they’ll say to me. Which is almost always followed by, “So…what is it you actually DO?”
People are naturally intrigued by the idea of talking about sex, especially when it’s your job. But oftentimes, in these conversations, I hear a lot of assumptions that are slightly off-base, totally incorrect, and even downright harmful. And I often worry that these mistaken assumptions create a barrier to entry to people, preventing them from actually understanding what sex therapy is and how it can help them. I’d like to address some of these myths here, in hopes of clarifying the value of sex therapy and, hopefully, take some of the shame out of pursuing it if you need to!
MYTH: “A sex therapist will want me to have sex with them in order to help me”
This is one of the most problematic assumptions about sex therapy. A qualified sex therapist will ask you questions about your issue, and may ask you to try out certain exercises at home, but there should never be any touching or undressing in your therapy session.
There are some contexts where treatment that includes supportive touch can be very useful. For those dealing with sexual dysfunctions like vaginismus, vulvodynia, dyspareunia, and even erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, the physical therapist may use touch to address physical symptoms in the pelvic floor. Others may benefit from surrogate partner therapy which, when working in conjunction with a qualified sex therapist, can add a new dimension to your work. When working directly with your sex therapist, however, it’s important to remember that professional therapy never includes sex.
MYTH: “My issues / sexual preferences / relationship dynamics are so weird and embarrassing, even a sex therapist will judge me.”
As people who talk about sex all day, believe me – we’ve heard almost anything at least once! A good sex therapist appreciates the variety and diversity of human sexuality. As a therapist who specializes in working with people exploring their sexuality, including alternative sexualities like BDSM and kink, I understand both the shame that comes from sharing our sexuality with others and the value of talking about sex with someone who can truly understand and help.
MYTH: “Sex therapy is only for people with really serious problems.”
The vast majority of people seeking sex therapy are simply looking to have better sex. You’re never going to get to a point in your life where you can sit back and say, “Well, I’ve solved that whole sex thing! My sex life is perfect and I never have to think about it again.” (But what a relief that would be, right?) Instead, sex is more like learning how to play an instrument; you can practice and get to the point where you’re really good, but there will forever be more ways to improve, new music to explore, and interesting chord progressions to try.
In fact, one of the interesting things about sex and sexuality is how often things change! Depending on where we are in our life, our romantic relationships or lack thereof, our feelings about intimacy and our bodies, and more, our relationship with sex and/or our sexual partners WILL change over time! It’s important to learn how to navigate these changes for yourself and your intimate relationships to build and nourish a fulfilling sexual life.
MYTH: “If my partner and I have to go in for sex therapy, it means our relationship is doomed.”
It’s true - some couples do wait to come into therapy until things have gotten very tense. But even if this is the case for you, taking that step to ask for help is a huge sign of strength.
Sex and relationships are complicated and tricky - they trip all of us up sometimes. Needing help talking things through is not a sign that your relationship is imploding. In fact, your willingness to have these (often uncomfortable) conversations with your partner(s) and a therapist shows that there’s something – or maybe many somethings – that are still alive and valuable in your relationship.
And as I said – things change. Sexual fluidity is common and normal. And despite some of these myths and misconceptions, regardless of the state of your relationship or your individual sexual journey, sex therapy can ultimately help you learn how to have more frequent, more connected, and more pleasurable sex!
