Defining “Sex”
If I were to ask you what sex is, how would you define it? What comes to mind when you think about ‘sex?’ In my experience and conversations with my clients, I often find that people have an implicit understanding of sex as penetrative, genital intercourse – to put it bluntly, something has to be going inside something else for us to consider it sex. The trouble is, there are a lot of people who don't or can't have that kind of sex, or don't have that kind of sex every time, but who still have active, fulfilling sexual lives. There are a lot of different kinds of sex, and intercourse can be just one of them.
But before determining a broader, more accurate definition of sex, it’s important that we first understand and define sexuality: the physical, chemical, emotional and intellectual properties and processes and the cultural and social influences and experiences that are how people experience and express themselves as sexual beings. That’s certainly a broad definition, isn’t it?
If we say someone is having sex, or doing something sexual, we mean they are acting from their own sexuality, are expressing it in action or are trying to actively experience or explore a feeling of general or specific sexual desire, curiosity or satisfaction. When we say ‘sex,’ then, what we mean is any number of different things people freely choose to do to tangibly and actively express or enact their sexuality; what things people identify as a kind of sexual experience.
It can be very useful, in therapy and our relationships, to broaden our definition of sex in this way. If we consider “sex” as strictly penetrative, genital intercourse, it can pressurize a sexual experience such that we feel like that specific activity is imperative to considering the sexual experience as “good” or “successful” – the natural conclusion of which implies that sexual experiences without penetration are not good, or even a failure. Defining sex more broadly allows you the opportunity to explore the wide variety of ways you can experience sexual pleasure and intimacy with your partner(s). This, in turn, can release some of the anxiety and pressure around sex and provide avenues for more variety and fun in your sexual life!
