Virginity and Painful Sex
By the most standard modern-day definition, when people talk about a "virgin," they're talking about someone who has not had penetrative sexual intercourse. You may be surprised to learn, however, that ‘virginity' has no medical or scientific definition. It is a social, cultural and religious construct that, throughout global history, has been largely defined based on heterosexual sex and focused on cisgender women.
The most common meaning of the term emerged around the 13th century. Historically, it implied that staying a virgin until marriage guaranteed that a woman would uphold the family honor by passing from father to husband, a thing of value that would be owned by her father, until such time as ownership of her virginity, body and sexuality would be transferred to her husband. This idea often helped to establish a higher "bride price," at a time when a primary purpose of marriage was to gain land and a dowry. Given the lack of birth control, having strict controls on virginity also helped to ensure fewer children born outside of marriage.
It’s important to understand the history of this term, because many of the associated “facts” we learn about virginity are actually more harmful misconceptions with origins in the subjugation of women.
One of the biggest myths about virginity that is still commonly accepted, for example, is the idea that you can tell if a woman has had intercourse by whether or not her hymen is torn.
The hymen is a thin membrane that is usually found just inside the vaginal opening. They may look any number of ways and usually don’t fully block the vaginal opening, to allow both menstrual blood and vaginal fluids out of the vagina.
Some women bleed during their first intercourse, but only a small part of this is about the hymen (because, for many women, it has worn away partially or entirely by the time they first experience penetration!). More often, it has to do with things like not being aroused and relaxed enough, not using lubricant as needed, not having enough foreplay and/or outercourse before intercourse, or partners or oneself being too hasty or rough with intercourse. Unfortunately, the pervasiveness of myths about the hymen normalize pain and bleeding during a person’s first intercourse, often worsening anxiety that prevents the presence, relaxation, and connection that facilitate positive and pleasurable sexual experiences.
Clearly, in today's world the concept of virginity is outdated (to say the least), and ultimately excludes a lot of people – you can check out my blog post on defining sex to learn more about this as well. Ultimately, what it means to be a virgin really can only be defined by you, and it has to do with how you define sex and if you even want to use the term virginity at all.
